How to Stop Saying Sorry to Everything
I’m not sure when it started, but when I heard it, I was gutted. My daughter had begun saying “Sorry” to everything. The sound of the word made me cringe. There is a distinction that should be made between saying “sorry” to be polite and an obsessive need to apologize every time one has something to say. You see, the reason why I cringed is that it felt like she had taken on the latter- something that I have struggled with all of my life.
I can remember having an event at my home. I live about 40 minutes from the city and where most of those closest to me live as well. As everyone arrived, I can recall my insistent need to apologize as they each entered my home. I would say, “Was the drive long?” “I’m sorry”. I remember my sister looking at me with a confused and somewhat dazed look, and with a chuckle, she proclaimed, “Why do you keep saying you’re sorry? This is where you live.”
She doesn’t know (probably because I never told her. Blame my internal processing traits) but she really made me take a look at myself and how terrible I had become at constantly feeling the need to apologize for EVERYTHING. But this wasn’t a new occurrence. I have spent most of my life trying to ward off the “sorrys” and what I’ve found is that it is truly a disease that is rooted in a need to be liked and mostly, insecurity. I hate bringing up when something is wrong (even when I’m right) because I don’t want to seem mean or ungrateful, so I start with I’m sorry. I try to present my opinions as not as important by adding “sorry” to them.
I can’t pinpoint exactly when or why it started. Perhaps it had something to do with being labeled “mean” as a young girl or feeling a bit voiceless as I grew up around dominating personalities. The struggle to speak my mind in those instances left me feeling uneasy and I think it caused me to build a protective barrier. One that involved using “sorry” as a way to make myself look more presentable, friendly, or courteous. See, I thought that by not adding “sorry” to everything I said, I would come off as rude or impolite. The truth is it just made me a pushover and removing it made me neither. It makes me more authoritative which can be intimidating for some but if I watch my tone, I can still achieve the polite nature in which I intend and not feel like a complete B.
Whichever the case, the way I’ve dealt with the resulting insecurity is shameful. It has been the most demeaning and self-destructive thing I’ve done to myself. I am constantly undermining my own intelligence, my right to have things a certain way AKA the way I like them, my desires, and my lifestyle. But where does it end? With me making a conscious decision to stop.
I have been working on limiting my use of the word sorry and if you’re trying to find ways to limit them too, here are a few practices that I’ve adopted that you can use to help you along.
Replace it with “Thank You”- For example, if a restaurant gets your food order wrong, instead of saying “I’m sorry but...” instead try, “Thank you for your help. I actually need…..?”
Don’t Speak so Soon- Perhaps you need to take a time to think through your feelings and decide what is best for you so that you don’t feel hesitant or insecure about what you need to say.
Work on Self Confidence- Easier said than done, but you should be trying every day to love yourself. For me, lack of self-confidence drove me into an apologetic rut because I didn’t value my own opinions. Still a constant struggle.
Understand that your opinion matters- We’re all humans with differing ideas and opinions and no one is better than the other. You have to believe that in your soul.
You are not an Inconvenience- People do what they want for you. I’ve had a tendency to feel like I’m an inconvenience to others when I desire help, so asking for help is difficult. In turn, I feel I need to apologize when I just can’t seem to do something on my own. I have realized how insane this sounds now and I’m making peace with trying to be more open to assistance.
The truth is, it is about having confidence in yourself so that you can speak up without needing to apologize for whatever you need to say, do, or feel. Sorry, not sorry.